


baby steps

by kxrthxmmel



Category: Glee
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Christmas Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26715544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxrthxmmel/pseuds/kxrthxmmel
Summary: kurt isn't a huge fan of christmas. blaine soon figures out why
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	baby steps

Blaine first realises it whilst he’s at Kurt’s house. It’s just the two of them alone, curled up on the couch. Burt and Carole are at work and Finn’s off playing football with some of his summer camp friends. Kurt had rambled on this morning about how it was  _ far  _ too cold to be playing outdoor sports this time of year, and Blaine had just laughed to himself as Kurt continued on his blabbering about what he’d do to his step-brother if he managed to give him a cold.

So with it being just them alone in the house for a good few hours, Blaine takes full advantage of this by basically sprawling himself across their sofa, and having Kurt drape himself over his body, snuggled down together where if they wanted to, they could probably do a little more than just  _ cuddle. _

But they don’t, and that’s fine, because Kurt instead is flickering through channel after channel, humming quietly to himself as he passes each station without care.

Blaine gasps suddenly as the screen flickers over and Kurt is startled, sitting up for a moment to look at his boyfriend.

“Home Alone!” Is all that Blaine manages to say, taking the remote from Kurt’s hand to go back two more channels. 

The screen switches and a familiar scene plays out. He looks at Kurt with a smile.

Kurt however has a rather disgusted look about him. He rolls his eyes and scoffs, sitting up so he’s no longer laying over him, but instead curling up into a ball with his knees to his chest.

As Blaine follows, he watches Kurt carefully, the quiet sound of the tv plays between them.

“You don’t like this movie?” Blaine asks, and Kurt tears his eyes away from the tv to look at him; another distasteful look that pretty much cements Blaine’s question.

“It’s just…” Kurt flails, shaking his head as Kevin McCallister runs around on the screen. “It’s a little early for Christmas movies, don’t you think?”

Blaine can’t help but splutter a laugh, but quickly reeling it in when Kurt gives him a questionable look.

“Well,” he starts, “it  _ is  _ November…”

And logic be damned, Kurt scoffs and settles into his seat, his lips drawn into a thin line as he looks at the tv, looking like he’s staring  _ through  _ it rather than  _ at  _ it.

Blaine feels his lips tug upwards into a smile yet he feels some weird heaviness in his stomach as he passes Kurt the remote.

“We don’t have to watch it,” he tells him, still holding the remote out in front of him.

But Kurt smiles, actually smiles, and pushes his outstretched hand away. 

“No,” he sighs. “It’s fine. I guess November _is_ an appropriate time for Christmas movies.”

Blaine pulls him in closer and they watch the movie curled up together, nothing else said between them for the rest of the afternoon.

*

The second time Blaine notices it is when they’re on their planned weekly date-date to the mall.

Of course, everything is completely decked out; there’s garland hanging from every piece of the walls and ceiling, there’s a string of lights that change colour and of course, there’s a huge tree right in the middle of the complex, which leaves Blaine wondering how in the name of god they got that into a space as small as this one.

But nonetheless, Blaine is giddy with excitement. There’s the faint hum of Christmas music playing over the speakers, only drowned out by the hoards of people that are weaving in and out of the heavy crowds.

They dodge and dart a good few swinging bags and boxes that everyone is lumbering around, and due to the fact that nobody is paying them any attention, too busy wrapped up in their own agendas of Christmas shopping, Blaine and Kurt walk around hand in hand.

Kurt’s finished off his pretzel and Blaine’s on the last sips of his Christmas cookie flavoured coffee (to which Kurt did roll his eyes at when he’d placed his order) when Blaine comes to a stop outside one of the stores, Kurt almost crashing into him at the abruptness.

Kurt’s interest is peaked (as it always is when it comes to window shopping) but he makes a groan when he realises they’ve stopped outside a video game store.

Blaine’s pretty much full pressed against the window as he looks in at what offers they have.

“You know, forty dollars for a  _ video game  _ is just as silly as me spending forty dollars on a pair of Chelsea Boots,” he scoffs, and for a moment Blaine doesn’t hear him until there’s a slight tug at his hand to get them to keep moving.

“Woah, woah – Hey!” Blaine says with a laugh, pulling Kurt back. “If I have to spend twenty minutes with you going through every perfume in the beauty store then you can at least humour me for like, five minutes tops.”

Kurt’s eyes flicker over his face like it’s the hardest deal of his life.

He gives in with a sigh and Blaine doesn’t hesitate to pull him in with him.

Of course, this kind of store isn’t Kurt’s style. He’s played various games with Blaine back at his house, even played with Finn and Puck on small occasions, but he looks rather out of his depth when Blaine is looking through game after game, flicking between each case like he were in a record shop.

He’s busy looking at the newest PlayStation games which, yes, he’d admit, are rather expensive, but he looks over to Kurt, who has his arms crossed over his chest, sulking away in the corner, looking like if he touches anything in this hideous store, he might just die.

Blaine laughs and ushers him over.

“It’s just a video game store, Kurt,” he says, amusement obvious in his tone. “I swear I won’t be long, I just wanna see what’s here.”

Kurt shifts. “Are you buying anything?” He asks rather hurriedly, like he wants to be well aware of how long they have to actually be here.

Blaine blinks at him. “Well…” he opens and closes his mouth. “Uh, not really… no.”

He’s watching Kurt carefully because up until now he kinda had the impression that this whole little pre-Christmas Christmas trip was that they’d be sending off hints to the other as to what they wanted for Christmas.

He’s sure as hell Kurt was doing the same when they were looking at the bag rack for an hour.

Kurt goes stiff, and once again it’s like they’re reading each other’s minds without having so much as a word between them.

“Oh,” he says softly. “You want…  _ me  _ to buy you a game? For Christmas?”

Blaine feels rather awkward all of a sudden. Had he been reading it wrong all along? Were they not doing gifts this year? Did Kurt already have a plan in his head that was now ruined by Blaine’s own self indulgent greediness? Was Kurt maybe not so clued in on how to buy other people gifts?

He shifts from foot to foot. It didn’t sound so romantic and cute as it did when Kurt was spelling it out for him. “Uh, well, you don’t have to. I… I was just looking, actually.”

They both turn their heads to look at the little stack of games, then back at each other. Kurt holds out his hand for him to take, smiles, though not fully, and they leave the store together.

*

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Kurt was particularly cold towards the festivities of Christmas. The time they spend at Blaine’s house he’s scoffing at the repeated soundtrack of Mariah Carey’s vocals, and he doesn’t really elaborate on what his holiday plans are when Blaine’s mom asks him.

Still, Blaine has no idea why Kurt is such a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. Already having an understanding of his passiveness towards Valentines due to the fact that up until this year he didn’t really have a reason to enjoy the holiday, Blaine wonders if maybe there’s a deeper reasoning towards his distaste, other than the fact that maybe he just really hates big, commercial holidays.

He’s back at the Hummel-Hudson house where Kurt and Carole are making dinner and Finn, Burt and Blaine are squished up on the couch, mindlessly watching whatever football game is on. It’s none of their respective teams so they’re not really paying attention when suddenly Blaine notices something.

“You don’t have a tree yet,” he says, looking at both Finn and Burt.

Burt makes a face, if only for a second, and sits deeper in his chair.

“Nah. Gonna wait until they’re down in price. You can help me lug it home if you want.”

He knows Burt’s only half joking (and probably not because he quite likes that Burt includes him in little family moments) but he also knows that if Burt waits, the least likely he’ll be to get a good tree.

He chews on his lip, unwilling to push it any further. He looks back at the tv, and tries to ignore the shared glances that Finn and Burt are making over him.

*

The next time he’s at their home again, they do have a tree. It’s perfectly decorated and rather sweet looking, and it settles some of the unease in Blaine’s gut about waiting too long for a good tree. 

As he passes through the living room, he stops to admire it, but Kurt bustles straight past it, like a giant six foot tree in the living room was nothing out of the norm.

“It’s good,” Blaine comments, turning his head to look back at it as he’s led away by his boyfriend. They only have a few hours alone together before everyone’s home again and Kurt had already organised their make out session (and possibly more) to agline with this. 

But Blaine stops, wanting to check out the little details of the tree before happily following his boyfriend upstairs.

Kurt does nothing more than hum as Blaine follows him. “Did you decorate it?” He asks.

Kurt’s looking closed off when he nods. “Me and my dad, yeah.”

His voice is a little thick, and Blaine watches him carefully before looking back at the tree, when something catches his eye.

He grins, reaching a finger out to tap at the dangling perfume bottle when it wobbles unsteadily on the branch, and before Blaine has time to react he’s already being shoved aside.

He stumbles, shocked at what had just happened, looks to Kurt who’s hunched over, head down, cradling the ornament rather possessively in his hands.

“Just– just be careful, okay?” Kurt snaps, looking round at Blaine with his brows knitted together.

Blaine gawps at him rather usefully until sound does eventually come out of his throat. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “I didn’t mean to.”

Kurt says nothing as he carefully places the perfume bottle back on the tree. He touches it gently, tracing his finger over the edges before triple checking that it’s secure on the branch as he takes a step back, Blaine taking a step forward to join him.

“It’s very pretty,” Blaine comments softly, the pair of them looking at the dangling decoration.

He head Kurt suck in a short breath before exhaling, shoulders sagging as he lets go of whatever tension he’d been holding in.

“It was my mom’s,” Kurt whispers and—

_ Oh. _

_ Oh, yeah,  _ Blaine mentally slaps himself in the face.  _ Everything makes sense now… kinda. _

Blaine realises that he’s just been stood there silently for an awkwardly long amount of time, so he pats Kurt’s shoulder rather stiffly and does his best to offer a sympathetic smile.

“Well,” he blanks for words. “It’s really, really pretty.”

And maybe it’s not the world's more elaborate sentence in the history of things to say to your semi-grieving boyfriend who lost his mom during the holiday season as a kid (good one, Blaine), but in all fairness, he isn’t really sure what step to take next. He’s treading the ground gently here, watching and waiting for Kurt’s responses.

“Is there a reason your dad waited a little longer to get the tree?” Blaine asks gently.

Kurt says nothing and instead turns to flop down on the sofa with a long sigh, and for a horrible minute Blaine wonders if maybe he’s pushed too far.

He’s only ever really had snippets of information about Kurt’s mom. After bringing it up rather painfully when Blaine had asked if his parents were going to come down to watch their Sectionals performance (“Well, if my mom turned up that would be rather horrifying, and it’d most likely throw us off our game.”) they’d never really… talked about it. He’d made a small remark about it during Pavarotti’s burial after a brief conversation during the comforting period of the death of the bird, that Kurt had mentioned how much he hates funerals. He's never pushed, only let Kurt talk when he's wanted to, and that's why he's only had one brief conversation that yes, Kurt's mom was in fact dead and she'd died rather suddenly just a while before Christmas. Not an easy conversation by all means, but it was a conversation nonetheless. 

But as Blaine gingerly takes the seat next to him, Kurt looks at him rather adoringly, and takes his hand.

“I don’t mean to be so awful during the holidays,” he croaks.

Blaine squeezes his hand and shifts in closer. “You’ve not been awful,” he tells him. “It’s not easy, and that’s okay.”

Kurt looks away and down at where their hands are connected. 

“Y’know, Christmas was my favourite holiday,” he whispers, eyes flickering back up at Blaine again. “It was my moms, too.”

Blaine smiles, the idea of a mini Kurt and the woman he has pictured in his head as Kurt’s mom, happy together, it makes his heart ache.

“We had all these… traditions, right? Kinda like Friday night dinners, stuff like that, it was always my mom’s ideas.”

Blaine does know that already - that Mrs Hummel was big on tradition and family - something Kurt carries close to him rather dearly.

“Anyways. We always used to get the tree together, me and her,” he sighs, eyes shifting focus as if being pulled back into a deep memory. 

“It was her favourite thing,” he then smiles, eyes a little hazy as he looks back at Blaine. “We’d spend  _ hours _ in the snow, looking for the sweetest tree. My mom loved the old, sad looking ones, giving them a final run before they’d be thrown out.”

He sniffs, despite no tears having yet fallen. “So me and my dad like to get the last trees. My mom cared a lot about the little things. She cared that some trees didn’t get picked, so she'd take them home instead.”

Blaine looks back at the tree, only really realising the rough-around-the-edges look about it, and hums. “That’s really sweet,” he says quietly.

Kurt pulls his hand away from Blaine’s, taking a soft backwards as he wraps his arms around himself; a gesture Blaine’s all too familiar with when he’s feeling vulnerable, closed in and withdrawn from emotion.

“When she died, it was hard. But… that first Christmas without her, just weeks after she’d died…” he trails off, looking mournfully at the tree.

Blaine doesn’t need him to elaborate. He’s obviously no clue, how he feels, and what it must be like for him. But he does know that he can be there for him.

“I used it as an excuse,” Kurt tells him, voice thick as he holds himself tighter. “I used Christmas as an excuse to be angry. I didn’t want anyone to know how hurt I was, so I just… acted like I didn’t care.”

He takes a breath to look right at Blaine, his eyes swimming with tears. 

“I guess you’ve probably noticed I do that a lot, hm?” He laughs weakly. “It’s kinda my personal defence mechanism”

And it’s no lie that yes, Blaine has noticed it. He knows that Kurt is someone who’s not willing to wear his heart on his sleeve like most people. He has walls upon walls upon  _ walls  _ to protect himself, and to protect his heart. It’s taken a lot for them to get where they are with each other, right here right now, but Blaine knows that trust and love and two of the most important things to Kurt. And they’re sacred.

“My dad saw straight through me, of course,” Kurt continues with a shake of his head. “He’s always been the one other person I can relate to on it.”

Blaine gives him a sorry look. 

“And for the longest time – before Glee club, before you, before I even came out… it was this thing we kinda… danced around, for years, everytime the holidays would roll back around. I’d act aloof and uncaring and my dad just let me get on with it. I think he thought maybe I’d figure my emotions out myself, but…” he looks longingly at Blaine.

“Clearly I still have some issues.”

Blaine shuffled forward, enveloping Kurt’s hand with his. They’re so warm and they fit so well together that Blaine holds him a little tighter.

“It’s okay,” he tells him. “I can’t expect that it’s something you just would wake up to find doesn’t hurt anymore. And even though, I don’t know what it’s like - I can’t give you that support in the way your dad does… just know that I love you, Kurt, and I’m here for whatever highs and lows we have together. That doesn’t change. Okay?”

Kurt is crying now, tears roll down his face like it’s the first time he’s allowed himself to cry in weeks. It pains Blaine to think of how long he’d holed himself up in his room, crying silently to himself, but he doesn’t dwell on the feeling too long before he’s pulling Kurt into a hug.

Kurt hugs back, burying his face into his neck with wet tears.

“And if you don’t wanna do anything this year, that’s fine,” Blaine tells him as they pull away. “I don’t care about stupid video games or… or secret Santa’s or whatever Glee club is doing,” he says with a wave of his hand. 

“I just want you to be comfortable. And if that means me leaving you alone to do your own thing then… then, I’m fine with that.”

Kurt gives a wet laugh, using his free hand to wipe away his tears with a wobbly smile.

“I don’t want that,” he admits. “I don’t want anymore sad memories. Just more good ones.”

Blaine studies his face. “I want you to be happy, Kurt,” he tells him softly, bringing a hand up to cup at his cheek, a thumb brushes away a stray tear.   
  
“I am happy,” Kurt says back, placing his warm hand over Blaine’s. “I’m happy because despite all the bad things, I’ve got you.”   
  
Blaine smiles at him, dropping his hand from his face to link their fingers together. “Yeah,” he says, heart feeling fuller and fuller. “That’s what counts, hm? Not buying each other gifts…”   
  
He looks down, feeling rather guilty about the whole video game debacle but Kurt’s small laughter is what makes him look back up.   
  
“I guess I’m still pretty clueless when it comes to things like that,” he admits with a grin. “But I want to enjoy everything I can with you - the small things as well as the big ones too.”   
  
Blaine holds his hand tightly in his, and it’s that moment, right there on the Hummel-Hudson couch that Blaine comes up with the idea for the gum-wrapper ring.   
  
He’s no artist by any means when it comes to arts and crafts, and he burns his fingers three times with a hot glue gun (enough times for his poor mother to remind him to watch his language, which resulted in a rather sheepish Blaine who’d made a conscious effort to not let hot glue near his skin ever again, nor to ever swear like he did with his mom in earshot).

But he manages to pull it off and once he sits back to admire his work, he can’t help but feel proud of himself. And sure, it’s a silly little gift that isn’t a bag or a pair of designer boots, but it’s more than just a ring. It’s a promise.   
  
It’s a promise of more things to come; a promise to always hold close the smaller, littlest things in life that build up to make one big thing.   
  
And hindsight, maybe Blaine shouldn’t have tacked on the whole ‘baking you cookies’ promise because truthfully, anyone would look like the world’s worst chef when it comes into competition with one Kurt Hummel in the kitchen. But the promise still stands, with love and care wrapped up in an assortment of gum wrappers.

Because Kurt’s right; they need to start making more good memories, rather than dwelling on old, sad ones. And Blaine can’t take away the hurt that will undoubtedly roll around every year when Christmas comes around, and he’s reminded of the monumental loss in his life. But along with every promise that the ring holds, Blaine knows he can promise to make each Christmas, no matter how painful, as hopeful as possible, and at least try to inch back that holiday spirit that he knows is buried deep down in Kurt’s heart, where he holds everything dear to him closest.   
  
And as he snaps the ring box shut, slipping it into his satchel, ready for tomorrow at school where he’ll give it to him, he smiles to himself, knowing and hoping that at some point in the future, this won’t be the last ring he gives to Kurt.

(And the day after that at lunch, Kurt slides over him a neatly wrapped gift that looks suspiciously like a video game case and Blaine laughs as he watches Kurt’s lips curl into a smug smile. Baby steps.)


End file.
